I don’t think there has been a time in my life where I have been more efficient with my schedule. And yet I still feel overwhelmed by the wave of work and life that is coming over me.
One month from today the Online Campus officially launches. What is there to do before then? Everything. An interesting thing is the work I did to get me into this new role I haven’t been doing much of since being in the role. There’s new work I have to do to actually launch this campus, necessary work. Planning, meetings, administration, operation. I just find it ironic that the creative and social media work I had done, and is a key tenet of the Online Campus, I don’t do nearly as much of in readying this launch. It’s not there isn’t creative and social media work to do, there is, it’s just all on hold at the moment.
I don’t know if that is complaint. It’s just reality. In some ways, I don’t mind it for a season. I understand it. It’s the unglamorous work. The hope is that it sets things up for success in the future. I miss the conversations. I miss the community. I miss the culture and creativity. I know it’ll be there for me after a short break. Short break being the key.
At the end of the work day I have to push away from the desk, or table, I’m working at and be fine with not being done with everything I need to get done. I have to break. I have to rest. I have to recharge. I am zealous about resting on my Sabbath and not touching work. I have to be for my own sake, and my family’s sake.
There is the stereotype of an entrepreneur that is working insane hours for days on end. That’s not me. That can’t be me. I’m married and a father. That’s priority in my life. If I say I do this to provide for my family, am I? My boys don’t care about the Online Campus I launched. They care their dad is at home, putting together Lego sets with them and playing “daddy monster”. I will not sacrifice my family to build this work.
My calling, my new work, is important to me. I believe in it. I believe in the good it can accomplish. I believe that so much of my life has led me to this point. Do I have all the answers as I go forward? No. Not at all.
I’ve lost track of the moments where I’m laying in bed wondering. I think about what needs to be done now, tomorrow, next week, next month and beyond. I think about my family and whether or not they are getting their due time and attention from me. I pray…a lot. I unload to God my fears and frustrations.
With the wave of work and life that is coming over me, there is the threat of it incapacitating me. There is the temptation to be immobilized by the fear and take inaction.
“In the face of unknowability, what would rational behavior look like? Would you sit and think, or act?”
I am staring into the unknown. I have no idea what lays ahead this year. I could fail spectacularly. I feel the temptation to turn inwards and not do a thing. In so many ways, I don’t know what I am doing.
I am more and more confident about this trek into the black because I know it’s what I’m suppose to do. This is the call. What lays ahead is much of what I wanted, in concept, when I was younger. I couldn’t ask for anything more than the opportunity that lays ahead. My faith is strengthened. I am clueless, but I know God has called me to this. I can only do what I can. I don’t know what I’ll be going through, but I will blaze a trail for others to follow because I know where I want to go.
“Gotta kick at the darkness til’ it bleeds daylight.”
By God’s grace, and with the support of Christ Community Church and my family, I’m launching an Online Campus of CCC on February 5. Until then, it’s crushing out the necessary work that needs to be done so this campus can be a success. I wake up at 6 AM. I have my devotional, I pray. I make sure I get time in with my family when I can. Everything else is seemingly gone by want and necessity. Removing anything that can get in the way of the work at hand. I’m locked in on the call. As said in Inception
, “Downwards is the only way forwards.”
Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. For,
“Yet a little while,
and the coming one will come and will not delay;
but my righteous one shall live by faith,
and if he shrinks back,
my soul has no pleasure in him.”
But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls.
–Hebrews 10:35-39 (ESV)*
*Thanks, Doug, for giving me this passage back in August.